Sunday, December 21, 2014

Sadness for Sale!

Please excuse my post that are you about to read but I really must know....

Does Sadness really Sell???

I have become you could say quite frustrated with this thought and I probably have been for quite awhile. But I really need your input on this one, I need to know what you think, I need you to be honest. I won't hold any hard feelings because I can't. I was once there and even some days I still am there.  Maybe I can just see things a bit differently from some of you now because well I am lucky enough to get to see it almost everyday.


You probably wonder why I think I am lucky that I get to see sadness.

Well I do think I am lucky, I am lucky because while some of you may only ever get to see sadness, I get too see what comes after that. I get to see the smile that slowly comes across the 2 years old face when he realizes that you keep coming back to visit and you keep showing him love. I get to see the look on the mom's face when she is told her two children are going back to school after three years of being out. I get to see the look on the boy's faces when they are told they are going to school for the first time.

I guess what is really bothering me is, why do I as a missionary feel obligated to share the sad stories with you to try to make a difference? Would it tug more at your heart to hear that a child only eats once a day than if I were too say excitingly that, that same child eats 2-3 meals a day everyday but I needed your support to make sure it kept going. 

Would you be more willing to help if I told you the way these children live to help get them sponsored to go to school or can I share how awesome this child is and what his dreams are and what he likes to do and not even mention one other thing about him or his family.

I'll be honest I hate sharing sad news. I would rather share all the amazing things that are happening but I'm afraid that by doing that you won't think we need help with our ministry.

So again I end with this and I really do hope to hear your thoughts. Does sadness really sell?

Friday, December 19, 2014

You're Never Too Young

I'm 30 years old and tonight and sit and try to put myself in a place of loss. Not just in a loss of something I will one day forget about, but the loss of parent. Both of my parents are alive, I was raised by them and though my dad worked away from home a lot, I always knew he was coming home. I have no idea what it feels like to lose a parent by death, abandonment or because I couldn't be cared for.

In September of this year our family took in two boys 4 years old and 7 months old. Mom dropped them off with dad and to this day we have no idea where she is. I wonder if she had this planned? I wonder if she just woke up and decided this would be for the best? I wonder what it was like as a mother of two young boys to drop off your children and know that you may just never see them again? These boys suffered one of the greatest losses of life. The loss of their mother.

Dad wanting what's best for his children and knowing he needed help reached out to look for someone to care for his boys even if it meant leaving them at an orphanage. Help was found. Help was about two hours away which meant visits would be rare. Help came and again they suffer another loss. I wonder if the 4 year old thought, Will I ever see my daddy again? What about mommy? I remember looking at him and seeing sadness in his face. He didn't say a word the whole time we talked with dad, he didn't say a word on the drive home, I'm not even sure he said a word until the first night when he slept he woke crying "Papa, Papa." How do you console a crying child when the one person he wants isn't around to comfort him?

Over the next three months we see joy come out of him, he becomes a part of our family. We become Mami and Papi. We teach him to pray before meals, he gives our family kisses before bed, he shows love and compassion to those in our neighborhood, and he even says things you didn't think a 4 year old would think about. Then the day comes for Dad to visit. What a joyous time it was for our little guy to see his Papa, until of course it's time for the visit to end and he realizes Papa is leaving without him. The sadness comes back and the tears flow. That feeling of loss has come back.

Only a few weeks later and it's time. We are excited and our sweet boy is excited. Papa is coming for his boys. It was a day of mixed emotions.

It's visit time to see how the boys are doing. Dad is working out of town, so the boys are staying with someone.  The sadness is back and hearts are broken. The same look I saw on the day we took him home is the same look I see in the pictures Chris shows me of his visit. My heart sinks and I fight back the tears.

As I look at the picture I wonder a few things...

Is he angry with dad?

Is he angry with us?

Does he miss his mommy?

Does he miss our family?

Is he thinking, am I not good enough for anyone?

You may think he is too young to think these things, but when you see through those eyes you can tell he is thinking one or many of these things. He may only be 4 years old but he is not too young to know that this isn't they way it's suppose to be.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Where is Jesus in all of this?

Yesterday at church I sat and listened to the Pastor and he talked about our brokenness in our lives and the the brokenness in the world around and sometimes we ask "Where is Jesus in all of this?"

I have to admit I have been asking myself this question for the past couple of weeks. There is brokenness inside me and there is brokenness around me, and I just keep asking "Where are you Jesus?"

His reply to me was "Where are you in all of this? Because I am right here."

I have been feeling like God is having a time away from me and I just couldn't understand why. But yesterday I realized He isn't having time away from me, I am the one having time away from Him. Yes I have been reading my daily devotions, yes I have been praying and yes I have been reading the Bible.  But it's more out of habit, because it's what I think will make things better. Did you notice the word I used. THINK. I shouldn't think any of these things will make it better, I should KNOW it will make things better.

Last night before bed He sent me one more reminder, and this time He sent it through my 5 year old daughter. We were playing a game and she picked up her Bible and said "Mom, Life is not so easy, but God wants you to read the bible every day and every night."

So today I look around and see how clear it is that Jesus is here in all of this. God gave us his Spirit, so I can see Him in the Pastor who spoke truth to me. He is in my daughter who I look at everyday. He is in the Bible that I can so easily pick up and read. He is right beside, for if I were to open my mouth and say a few words, He would hear every word being said.

But "Where am I in all of this?"

I have a choice.  I can sit here and wonder this question some more, or I can say "Jesus, I am here. I need your help."

Monday, September 29, 2014

These could be our daughters and our sons

It's been awhile since I have listened to the song "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline and Sunday morning I laid and bed and really listened to the words. The first time I heard this song I was preparing for my first missions trip to Haiti. It brought me to tears listening to the song and seeing the kids in the video. Now over a year later, I lay in my bed, in Haiti, where I live, laying beside a tiny boy with little hands and shoeless feet who just keeps looking at me. I think "Wow, here I am in this country where God led me and today He is sending me a reminder of why I am here."

This past weekend I met two children. A boy named Wilson who is 11 and a girl name Marie France who is 13. The moment I laid eyes on them, I knew that as a ministry we were going to help them and we are praying and waiting for the right people to step in and say "I will help you." A lot of people who come to this country for a short period time would look at these kids and probably hold back tears because of how bad they feel for them and wish they knew a way to help them. Me, I hold back tears because I see success in these two children. I see a future. I see love. I see Jesus.

Sunday Morning, I sing the lyrics and as I sing along I picture Wilson and Marie France. I want to share some of the lyrics with you and go deeper in what I feel for these two.

Well will we? Are we going to read this and think oh someone else will help, I don't need to. Or will we say "I'll pray for them." Now don't get me wrong, prayer is powerfully and it changes lives of those around us, but sometimes God is asking YOU, not me, or that person but YOU to do more than just pray. He wants you to act. There comes a point where someone has to step up and say I'll do it even if you don't know how you might do it. Trust me I'll understand, I live in Haiti and there isn't a day that goes by where I wonder how I am going to do it. But I also have a very powerful God who is with me and knows how to do it.

Literally these could be our children. It's hard to think that but think about all the kids all over the world who are adopted. They all came from a situation that we may never understand but we love them anyway. For me, I now have two sons because of a situation I'll never fully understand. Most of us should be thanking God every day for the life He gave us and the life we are able to give our children, but let's not forget about those that haven't been giving luxuries of what we have been given.

I have been praying all weekend for individuals to step up and say they want to sponsor Wilson and Marie France. But I also know God works on His own timing and that they WILL get their sponsors and they will get the opportunity to go to school and eat nutritional meals. We are ALL God's children, so we have to take the responsibility of taking care of each other.

When I sing these words, it hits me hard. It's a good chance it's because I live in a world like you where there are children all over the world waiting. Waiting to be loved. Waiting for their chance to be free. Waiting for their chance to attend school. Waiting for the day their belly is filled everyday. But it's even harder to sing these words when you live in a country where your neighbor is literally starving everyday and teens are sitting at the street corner because they can't afford to go to school or no one wants to help them because they aren't so small and cute anymore. I pray that God gives me the right words and sends me to the right people to speak for them and show them that they are still loved. We still love you, He still loves you!!!

Tell me who??? I need to know, I really do. We have to be the ones to be like Jesus. We are ALL called to take care of the least of these. You have so many opportunities right in front of you no matter where you are to take care of them. I wonder who will be like Jesus and help take care of Wilson and Marie France. Is it you?

I could probably write every line of this song but you would probably stop reading. But tonight I pray that you help us find sponsors for Marie France and Wilson. Share their picture, share my blog, share our facebook page. Call someone. Email someone. I know and believe that there is someone out there waiting to see their beautiful faces and say "It's me."

For $35/mth you can sponsor one of these two children and you will be giving them the opportunity to attend school, receive tutoring weekly, have healthy meals, hear the Gospel, and give them the chance to just be kids. I am so excited to be doing sponsorships and sharing updates with you about the kids you sponsor and allowing you to see and watch them grow.

Friday, August 1, 2014


Since returning to Canada my mind has been on money. Literally I feel as though I am going crazy. I am asking the Lord to give me peace over this situation and most of the time I feel okay but then I allow panic to settle in and the dollar amounts to pop into my head and I start feeling overwhelmed.

We came home this summer to visit family and friends but most of all to raise money for our children's home we are opening, to help pay for a teacher, our feeding program and our own personal support to stay on the mission field.

Most days I feel so confident in what I am doing and I believe that the Lord is going to provide for all of our needs and other days like say right now it makes me feel like a failure and that I am not doing enough to raise the funds. I feel like I have failed myself, our ministry but most of all I feel like I failed the kids waiting for us back in Haiti.

In my imaginary life I wouldn't have to ask people for money or think of ways to raise money, I would be able to do it on my own. But I know in reality that is not what God wants. He didn't ask me to use all my money to provide for the kids in Haiti, He asked me get and go and be the person on the field who would be hands on with the children.

This morning Chris and I had a talk about how it's always the people you least expect that come to you and say let me help. We have been blessed with people who have come forth to say let me help you with this and it has taken stress away.

But I sit here and think in just a few shorts week I will be heading back to Haiti and all I can think is what if I get back there and I don't have enough funds raised to bring that little girl into our home where she will be safe, fed and loved. Or what if I don't have enough money to hire that teacher who could sure use a good job to help tutor those kids so they don't repeat grade 3 for the fourth time.

For some people this may not have any affect on their lives, but for me it breaks my heart. Today I had a man give me $2 to help put towards our children's home. It's not a lot but it's start, and as I walked away he said "Good Luck." And I could do in return is look at him with tears in my eyes and say "Thank you, you have no idea how much this means."

For the last week $1 on been on my mind. Can you believe that a $1? But I want to change that $1 into $15,000. So here I sit as I ask for 15,000 people to come forward and donate $1 to our ministry. The great part about donating $1 is that you aren't having to give up anything but you are gaining so much more.


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Part 3: Announcement Time

I have been waiting all day to be able to write this blog and I am so thankful that we got power before supper today. For those of you who are reading this blog for the first time, go back two blog post and start there and then make your way to this one. Please bare with me as it may seem lengthy but just stick with me to the end :)

Back in September Chris and I came to Haiti to look for a house to live in and during our time here God gave me a vision and I shared with those of you who support and follow us. I would like to share that vision again before I get on with what I am wanting to announce.

I see a village, I see kids running, skipping, jumping. I see a beautiful green

soccer field, a cemented basketball court. I see a garden - a big garden, with lots

of fruits and vegetables. I watch as the adults work hard keeping the fresh food

alive that is providing for them and their children. I see smiles as the children get

ready to leave for school. It's an exciting time as for many this is the first time

they will go to school. They are so proud of their new uniforms and backpacks.
They are going to learn and they are so ready for it!

Yes, I see a home for them. They will have a bed, they will be fed, they will get to

finish school and yes, they will be able to keep their dreams alive.

They will know how worthy they are, how much God loves them and how He has

a plan for each and everyone of them.

I wish I had the right words at this moment after sharing this vision but I honestly feel like I am about to announce to the world that I pregnant and I am not sure which way to go about it. So I'll just say it. The Orlesky's are opening a Children's Home!!! This will be run through the organization we are missionaries through, Boaz Ministries. We are so excited, nervous, and expectant of what the Lord has planned for us and those precious children that will be put into our care. At this moment I am screaming in my head cause I am so full of emotions.

I really want to share more details, but I think I need to stop and add just one more blog post tomorrow with where and when we will be opening it, our plans, and how you can get involved.

Pray for us, pray for those children who will come into our care, pray for the adults who will become apart of our team and pray and seek if God has a plan for you to be involved.



Monday, June 9, 2014

The Now

As sit here to start writing about our present life in Haiti, I can't help but chuckle. Why? At this moment I am sitting at my kitchen table with our very noisy generator turned on because we haven't had power in almost 23 hours. Is that a complaint? No, it's just our life in Haiti. And when our power does come, if you want to see kids scream like its Christmas just come on by for a visit. It's really quite amusing. Maybe one day I'll be able to catch it on video just so you can hear the pure joy and excitement of such a simple thing like getting power.

This morning we got running water and as soon as it comes on, one by one we each take a turn to go and enjoy a shower. Even though we don't have running water on a regular basis it doesn't mean we don't get to wash ourselves, it just means that our baths include a lot of lugging water back and forth from our water jugs to the bathroom. Honestly, I sometimes wonder what it will be like to go back to Canada and have running water all day. Will I forget and just assume I have to wash my clothes by hand? Now that I started talking about washing clothes. Let me tell you, I purposely DO NOT wash my clothes while our cook and assistant is here. In no way do I wash my clothes like a Haitian. They scrub those clothes and get them cleaner than a washing machine. Me, I am lucky if I can make them smell decent. I apologize for anyone that visits me and may think I stink, but you just get to the point where it doesn't really matter cause all you do all day is sweat anyway. Is that a complaint? No, it's just our life in Haiti and well everyone sweats.

Now talking about sweating brings me to our next topic about our life here. Transportation. I really have no words to express it. I'm just happy that I can get to where I need to go and make it back safe. We currently have no vehicle except our moto but we haven't mastered putting 5 people on it yet. You may think that might sound crazy, but come to Haiti and you won't think it's so crazy anymore. So our other form of transportation is called a Tap-tap. It's kind of like a bus/taxi service but about 17 people maybe more or less depending on the day, pile into a back of a truck and we get to where we need to go. It gets very hot and you sweat a lot. If you're going to Port-Au-Prince you can take a big school bus but again they put as many people as possible on it and off you go. The other I thought I might actually pass out from sweating so much. So after this summer we are going to start looking into getting a truck. It will much more convenient and then we can do family activities, like going to the grocery together.

Food. What do we eat you might ask? Well we live in Haiti and before we moved here Chris and I both decided that we wanted our kids to experience as much as a Haitian life as possible so we agreed we would hire a cook and eat Haitian food. We were a little worried about the kids, but again you want to see a child scream like it's Christmas. Come watch the expression Katya gives when rice and beans are put on the table. They have adjusted so well to eating their food and we love it. Plus it's super cheap to feed our family. It cost us $100 a week to feed us 3 meals a day for 5 days. The weekends we use to go the grocery store and buy Canadian type food but I was spending the same amount we spend for 5 for just 2 days and that wasn't sitting well with us. And well we have so many "restaurants" down the road for us that we decided on weekends we eat from there. So we can feed our family of 5 lunch for under $5 and still have leftovers. Saves us money and I get of cooking everyday, sounds good to me. Chris is always the one to get the food and he has built so many great relationships by going out and doing this.

Just 10 minutes ago our Pastor next door was sticking his head over our wired fence calling for him so he can give him some home-made honey and freshly picked cherries. Our other neighbor has been such a blessing to us, in whatever way he can help, you can count him in. And I'm sure everytime Chris goes to get drinking water someone picks him up on their moto and drives him home for free.

We also have build great relationships in a community called Grand Savann. This is where we spend our Saturday mornings with about 75-90 kids. They literally cram into a one bedroom home and learn God's truth then they have some play time and we enjoy some lunch together. Recently we announced that we are starting a feeding program for these children to make sure they are getting meals every Saturday. If you want to learn more about it send one of us a message we would love to share with you more.

This is also where I am going to end. Here was a glimpse of our right now and tomorrow I am impatiently waiting to tell you about our future. We are so excited for what's God being doing in our lives. Even the kids are excited and in the words of Katya "I.JUST.CAN'T.WAIT."

Sunday, June 8, 2014

To Where It All Began

I have decided that I am going to write a 3 post blog about our life in Haiti and where it is headed, but there are many people out there supporting us in so many different ways I thought it would be nice to go back in time and share how we ended up here. So let's go back in time.

Our story doesn't necessarily start in the summer of 2011 but it's the year where change started happening. Chris my husband went on his first mission trip to Mozambique and he came home and you could tell his outlook on life had changed and God was working on his heart. He started talking about moving to Africa and us being missionaries and I just kept looking at him like he was crazy and jokingly playing along with him and say "Yes, let's just sell everything we have and move." See at this time in my life I was planning for bigger things in my life. Our 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house was no longer big enough or new enough for me and I wanted more. So I started bringing Chris to house showings, talking to builders about getting a new house build for us and Chris being the kind man he is played along with me. I was consistent on wanting a new house, he wanted older and smaller if we did move. As months went on I started feel overwhelmed with life and it was time to simplify. I read a book called "7" by Jen Hatmaker and that was the start of how my outlook on life changed. As I read and decided to do my own 7 journey, things that use to matter no longer had value to me.

During this time I was also preparing for my first mission trip to Haiti. Now to be perfectly honest I was only going to say that I went on a missions trip, got to love on some children, and it have no affect on my life. But before this trip it was required that we volunteered locally. I was not thrilled about this idea but Chris was already volunteering with Boaz Ministries and I was already making desserts for their meals so I would just go with my dessert and be gone. Nothing in me wanted to do this, so as I drove that first day to their outreach site, I just remembering sitting in the car and asking God why he was making me do this. Well I left that day changed.

Fast forward a few months and I get notice that my trip to Haiti is cancelled. I am completely devastated. This was the second trip that I couldn't go on, maybe I just wasn't meant to go. Now fast forward a few more days and I am going on another missions trip to HAITI! How the trip and team coming together in a matter of weeks before leaving is a story on it's own, but God had big plans our team.

It's about landing time in Haiti and all I see are tents, and I decide right there that I made a big mistake by coming and I want to just stay on the plane and go right back home. I got off the plane, spent a life changing week and feeling God's presence in my life stronger than I ever had. It was clear at the end of the week that my family would be moving to Haiti. I didn't think it would be 11 months after going for the first time, but when it's God's timing you just go.

I wish I could tell you the whole story but I have so much more to share. So here was a glimpse of how we ended up in Haiti. Tomorrow I'll share with you about our life in Haiti so far, so stick around and enjoy.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Just a friendly reminder...

Tuesday hit our families three month mark of living in Haiti and to avoid any problems we left the country to come to the Dominican for a few days. In Haiti, you need a permis to stay in the country for longer than 90 days. Not sure how strict this law is but we weren't going to chance it.

So here is why I came on here to share what I have been feeling. We have been here for 3 days and as we walk around the thoughts of homelessness having been swarming my mind. You think I would get use to see hungry kids but it just doesn't. Yesterday as I walked around Chris and I talked about the people who sit on the streets and ask for money. I am having a hard time understanding how I am being like Jesus if I just walk by every person on the street and not give them money. But am I suppose to give every person I see money? I mean I could possibly go broke pretty fast. Chris told me about how he listened or maybe read about three people who discussed this topic and they all had different views. One said he donates to homeless shelters and never gives them money. Another said he gives the person directly money and the other said it just depends on how he feels. After talking about it, it still left me with no answer. Is there a right answer?

Now this morning comes and I am on a mission to go shopping. First stop, ice cream for the kids. We start our walk to the ice cream store and there sits the lady we have seen for two days on the sidewalk shaking her jar wanting money. I walk by, the guilt kicks in. But I just keep walking. We get our ice cream and sit at the table, up walks a boy not much older than Ethan asking money. I put my head down and shake no. Instantly my heart breaks and I watch him walk to every person at the restaurant asking for money. No one. I am instantly saddened by the thought that no one is helping. Not even myself. I continue to watch this boy go and sit. I can't help but just stare at him, and there comes that smile. It works... I call him over. I ask if he speaks English, piti he says. I ask Creole? Wi (yes). I ask if he is hungry and he says yes. Off Chris goes and they go order some breakfast together. After he gets his food and comes back and thanks me for the food. I ask him his name and age and learn that his name is Lazon and he is 12 years old. All I can say is Ok and goodbye. I have to walk away before my emotions get the best of me. You would think that living in Haiti for the past 3 months that these things would get easier to see but they don't. I sit here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it and wondering did I do the right thing. Was I being like Jesus at the moment? Should I have bought him food or should I have just gave him money? Was that right of me to do infront of my children? I don't know any of these answers but I do know that at that moment I felt it was what I suppose to do. And I also believe it was a friendly reminder to the one who was on her way to spend money on things she really doesn't need just because she wanted to. I was reminded that tomorrow I will be on my way back to my reality of where I see this everyday and not lose sight of what lies ahead.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

So don't be afraid...

Isaiah 41:10 says- Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

   Ok the problem is God, I am afraid. I am so afraid that I believe I am holding myself back by making excuse after excuse in my head about why I can't do what I feel you are calling me to do. One day, it's well I'll just wait till and found about this. Or it's well maybe if we did it this way it would be better, or maybe we should consider this first. But I think most of it's my pride that is getting in the way. Truth is I don't want to fail and I really don't want to fail you God.

   You have given me this opportunity to live in Haiti, you sent me to this community over a year ago and you have gave me visions for it ever since. You have allowed me not just to go there on a Saturday morning to play with the kids and say I did my "good" deed for the week but you opened doors to homes of those families in which I play with those kids. Just last week you took me on my first journey of going around to 3 different homes and seeing where some of these kids come from. It amazes me how open they are to letting me see their homes. Two of the kids were so excited for me to see their homes, I don't think they stopped smiling. The last child well... you know Lord. I asked you for a sign that day to let me know that's where you really want me to be, though I know you've already sent me more than enough. Sometimes I just like that reassurance and well you gave it to me.

   On this day you brought me to M's house. M who I see every Saturday and is always full of smiles seems like such a happy girl. You would think that life well is good. Though I am not sure what good is anymore. Anyways, M took me to her house and she opened a door to a building and I smiled and thought "Oh, what a cute room for a girl." It had a double bed and some cute pictures and d├ęcor hanging on the wall. That was her room. But wait sure it's her room, but it's also her 8 year old brother and 16 year old brothers room. Ok, so mom and dad's room must be at the front of the building. No. Dad has passed and mom has remarried and moved to the other side of Haiti with her new husband. At this point, I am so confused by the whole situation, that I am sure I asked way too many questions.

   So here we have a 16 year old boy taking care of his 12 year old sister and 8 year old brother. The neighbors take turns cooking them food when they have extras and the last time they have seen mom was in January. Let me tell you, I don't think you can ever prepare yourself to see something like that firsthand. To know a child by their name and see them on a regular basis to then find out they have been abandoned. You hear about it, but to see it. There are no words, it took everything in me at the moment not to get down on my knees and weep and cry out to you Lord "Why?"

It has almost been a week and God you have been overflowing my heart with preparation and visions. Not only are preparing me but I can see you preparing Chris and the kids too. And I pray Lord that as I go back on Saturday and see the other children who are in the same situation in the same community that you let it sink deep within me. You have given me two words and remind me each day of them. FREEDOM REIGNS. And Lord, I pray that you remind each day as the time comes... Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Monday, January 20, 2014


In the last 24 hours I have come to be aware that I have a fear of releasing things/people. I am scared at the thought that I am losing something, but then I think is that something or someone more important than what I am going to be gaining? Gaining the closeness to God that I have been craving for awhile now and know how much I have missing out on with Him.

Yesterday my eyes were opened and God was working on my heart and preparing me for what was to come that that night. As most of you know that are reading this I am moving to Haiti with my husband and three children. We have been working hard on raising our support so we can leave for the mission field. God had spoke to me in late November that by the end of January our family would be ready to go to the field. It was an exciting thought until I looked at the numbers and saw that we had to raise almost $6000 in just two months time. I prayed for people to help us...God provided. I prayed for people to support... God provided. And yet as we came down to the last bit with just two weeks before the end of the month I doubted that we would make it there.

Last Thursday we made a video for our church to update them on how much we needed to make it to the 90% mark so we can leave for the mission field and how much in total we needed to be fully supported. We gave the church one number to later realize that day it was a higher number. Oy! There came that doubt creeping in again. Sunday comes and don't you think that after adding the numbers and putting them into the computer that we received enough to bring us to 90.3%... God provided.

I allowed that guilt to get to me all day. I attended my book study that night where we discussed things that were hitting so close to home, I can home and went to bed. That's right I went straight to bed no thanks to the Lord for that day. But my sleep was short when I was awoken and I knew that this was the night I was to release what was keeping me from God. I also know that when I get on my knees and I weep to the Lord, that this is some serious stuff that needs to be dealt with. I cried "God how can you still provide for me when I live the life I do?" He told me to do something in that moment and with His strength and knowing He will help me I did exactly what I was told to do. It is the end of day 1 of this release, it hasn't been easy nor do I think tomorrow will be easy, but that's ok because He has shown me how to get through the day.

If there is something you need to release, do not be afraid. He will be there with you. He is your strength, you will get through this.