Sunday, December 21, 2014

Sadness for Sale!

Please excuse my post that are you about to read but I really must know....

Does Sadness really Sell???

I have become you could say quite frustrated with this thought and I probably have been for quite awhile. But I really need your input on this one, I need to know what you think, I need you to be honest. I won't hold any hard feelings because I can't. I was once there and even some days I still am there.  Maybe I can just see things a bit differently from some of you now because well I am lucky enough to get to see it almost everyday.


You probably wonder why I think I am lucky that I get to see sadness.

Well I do think I am lucky, I am lucky because while some of you may only ever get to see sadness, I get too see what comes after that. I get to see the smile that slowly comes across the 2 years old face when he realizes that you keep coming back to visit and you keep showing him love. I get to see the look on the mom's face when she is told her two children are going back to school after three years of being out. I get to see the look on the boy's faces when they are told they are going to school for the first time.

I guess what is really bothering me is, why do I as a missionary feel obligated to share the sad stories with you to try to make a difference? Would it tug more at your heart to hear that a child only eats once a day than if I were too say excitingly that, that same child eats 2-3 meals a day everyday but I needed your support to make sure it kept going. 

Would you be more willing to help if I told you the way these children live to help get them sponsored to go to school or can I share how awesome this child is and what his dreams are and what he likes to do and not even mention one other thing about him or his family.

I'll be honest I hate sharing sad news. I would rather share all the amazing things that are happening but I'm afraid that by doing that you won't think we need help with our ministry.

So again I end with this and I really do hope to hear your thoughts. Does sadness really sell?

Friday, December 19, 2014

You're Never Too Young

I'm 30 years old and tonight and sit and try to put myself in a place of loss. Not just in a loss of something I will one day forget about, but the loss of parent. Both of my parents are alive, I was raised by them and though my dad worked away from home a lot, I always knew he was coming home. I have no idea what it feels like to lose a parent by death, abandonment or because I couldn't be cared for.

In September of this year our family took in two boys 4 years old and 7 months old. Mom dropped them off with dad and to this day we have no idea where she is. I wonder if she had this planned? I wonder if she just woke up and decided this would be for the best? I wonder what it was like as a mother of two young boys to drop off your children and know that you may just never see them again? These boys suffered one of the greatest losses of life. The loss of their mother.

Dad wanting what's best for his children and knowing he needed help reached out to look for someone to care for his boys even if it meant leaving them at an orphanage. Help was found. Help was about two hours away which meant visits would be rare. Help came and again they suffer another loss. I wonder if the 4 year old thought, Will I ever see my daddy again? What about mommy? I remember looking at him and seeing sadness in his face. He didn't say a word the whole time we talked with dad, he didn't say a word on the drive home, I'm not even sure he said a word until the first night when he slept he woke crying "Papa, Papa." How do you console a crying child when the one person he wants isn't around to comfort him?

Over the next three months we see joy come out of him, he becomes a part of our family. We become Mami and Papi. We teach him to pray before meals, he gives our family kisses before bed, he shows love and compassion to those in our neighborhood, and he even says things you didn't think a 4 year old would think about. Then the day comes for Dad to visit. What a joyous time it was for our little guy to see his Papa, until of course it's time for the visit to end and he realizes Papa is leaving without him. The sadness comes back and the tears flow. That feeling of loss has come back.

Only a few weeks later and it's time. We are excited and our sweet boy is excited. Papa is coming for his boys. It was a day of mixed emotions.

It's visit time to see how the boys are doing. Dad is working out of town, so the boys are staying with someone.  The sadness is back and hearts are broken. The same look I saw on the day we took him home is the same look I see in the pictures Chris shows me of his visit. My heart sinks and I fight back the tears.

As I look at the picture I wonder a few things...

Is he angry with dad?

Is he angry with us?

Does he miss his mommy?

Does he miss our family?

Is he thinking, am I not good enough for anyone?

You may think he is too young to think these things, but when you see through those eyes you can tell he is thinking one or many of these things. He may only be 4 years old but he is not too young to know that this isn't they way it's suppose to be.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Where is Jesus in all of this?

Yesterday at church I sat and listened to the Pastor and he talked about our brokenness in our lives and the the brokenness in the world around and sometimes we ask "Where is Jesus in all of this?"

I have to admit I have been asking myself this question for the past couple of weeks. There is brokenness inside me and there is brokenness around me, and I just keep asking "Where are you Jesus?"

His reply to me was "Where are you in all of this? Because I am right here."

I have been feeling like God is having a time away from me and I just couldn't understand why. But yesterday I realized He isn't having time away from me, I am the one having time away from Him. Yes I have been reading my daily devotions, yes I have been praying and yes I have been reading the Bible.  But it's more out of habit, because it's what I think will make things better. Did you notice the word I used. THINK. I shouldn't think any of these things will make it better, I should KNOW it will make things better.

Last night before bed He sent me one more reminder, and this time He sent it through my 5 year old daughter. We were playing a game and she picked up her Bible and said "Mom, Life is not so easy, but God wants you to read the bible every day and every night."

So today I look around and see how clear it is that Jesus is here in all of this. God gave us his Spirit, so I can see Him in the Pastor who spoke truth to me. He is in my daughter who I look at everyday. He is in the Bible that I can so easily pick up and read. He is right beside, for if I were to open my mouth and say a few words, He would hear every word being said.

But "Where am I in all of this?"

I have a choice.  I can sit here and wonder this question some more, or I can say "Jesus, I am here. I need your help."