I have 27 beautiful kids between the age of 5-16 who I work with every day and sometimes I find it hard to think of working with them as my job. It's hard for me to take the weekends "off" and get in some rest and family time even though I know I need it and my family needs it.
But it's because of these 30 kids that I do what I do and keep going even when I want to stop. You may have noticed I changed my number of kids, but the fact is I have three children of my own that also keep reminding me of why I am here and why I do what I do.
Here are some reasons I keep going:
1) I want these three little mini-me's to grow up in a world full of love and not hatred. I want them to know that though we may look different, act different and live different, we are all still God's children and He loves us equally which means we too need to love and care for those who we may or may not know.
2) When you meet a shy little 5 year old girl, who will not make eye contact with you until you just be there and let her know you love and care and then one day you hear the word "Blanc" as she calls you and even though that word drives you crazy, you realize barriers have been broken and change is happening.
3) That child you once thought was so full of hatred is actually full of so much love and can never give you enough hugs in one day.
4) The boy you use to have to chase down every time he had tutoring because he didn't want to be there is now the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. And by leave I mean, we have to tell to get off our truck and go home because he has way passed his drop off spot for home.
5) That for even those brief times when we have opportunities for kids to be kids they can put aside their worries of the day and have fun, and if they can't put their problems aside they know they have loving people who they are comfortable enough to share their troubles with.
I could go on about the reasons I keep going but in the process of it all I am learning that my keep on going is in constant change. How I am going today will not be how I keep going in a few months and it most certainly not be how I keep going on in a few years. But I know that I can put my trust in God to guide me along they way and be in full confidence that these kids will always be taken care of. I love that I get to be here in the right now and reflect each day as it comes. These are the moments that keep me going and help show me the path to take.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
His Visions- Part 2
I love that anytime during the day I can go lay in my bed. I can stretch out and roll around and know that when I am tired I can close my eyes and be comfortable. So naturally when I saw beds as part of God's Vision I couldn't fully grasp it I just knew that kids having beds would be a part of it.
When we first started out in the community we wouldn't go any further than the area where the Saturday feeding program was being held. I mean that was far enough out of our comfort zone already, we couldn't imagine going in the actual community and meeting families. But as time went on we were taught to effectively help these kids we had to go to their homes and meet their families and know where they came from.
It was very overwhelming walking around the community for the first time. There were so many types of houses, ones made of cement, some made from sticks and tarps and others made from sticks and mud. I remember visiting one house and touching the wall only to see the dirt crumble off of it. As we entered these houses we also noticed the lack of bedding these families had. Some had leaves on the floor of their house with clothing and others had bed frames but very few with an actual mattress to sleep on.
Then we started to notice that some of these kids had marks on the their legs and I couldn't figure out what they were from. We learned that many of these marks were due to them sleeping on the ground.
Initially our reaction was these kids need beds, but we knew this couldn't be the right way to go about doing things. First we can't just go and buy beds for every child that needs one and second am I really helping? Of course they could benefit from a bed but is there a way we can make sure that these beds will last for quite possible a few if not more than a few years. I mean a lot of these beds will placed in dirt or on placed on top of items that may not be very secure.
So again we are left at a spot of having to help the parents know how to care for the beds so they don't get infested with bugs or eaten by rodents or being protected from rain that may seep through their house. Maybe there isn't a way but what if there is? What if there is way to show these parents that may not know how to help care for these gifts from God where they, along with their children can be a little more comfortable while they sleep.
Connections. This vision of beds was just a little glimpse of what He was preparing for me to do. Connect with those we are working with and knowing that it isn't just as simple as giving them beds. And maybe in the long run it's not about me being the one giving them beds, but them being able to get the beds themselves.
When we first started out in the community we wouldn't go any further than the area where the Saturday feeding program was being held. I mean that was far enough out of our comfort zone already, we couldn't imagine going in the actual community and meeting families. But as time went on we were taught to effectively help these kids we had to go to their homes and meet their families and know where they came from.
It was very overwhelming walking around the community for the first time. There were so many types of houses, ones made of cement, some made from sticks and tarps and others made from sticks and mud. I remember visiting one house and touching the wall only to see the dirt crumble off of it. As we entered these houses we also noticed the lack of bedding these families had. Some had leaves on the floor of their house with clothing and others had bed frames but very few with an actual mattress to sleep on.
Then we started to notice that some of these kids had marks on the their legs and I couldn't figure out what they were from. We learned that many of these marks were due to them sleeping on the ground.
Initially our reaction was these kids need beds, but we knew this couldn't be the right way to go about doing things. First we can't just go and buy beds for every child that needs one and second am I really helping? Of course they could benefit from a bed but is there a way we can make sure that these beds will last for quite possible a few if not more than a few years. I mean a lot of these beds will placed in dirt or on placed on top of items that may not be very secure.
So again we are left at a spot of having to help the parents know how to care for the beds so they don't get infested with bugs or eaten by rodents or being protected from rain that may seep through their house. Maybe there isn't a way but what if there is? What if there is way to show these parents that may not know how to help care for these gifts from God where they, along with their children can be a little more comfortable while they sleep.
Connections. This vision of beds was just a little glimpse of what He was preparing for me to do. Connect with those we are working with and knowing that it isn't just as simple as giving them beds. And maybe in the long run it's not about me being the one giving them beds, but them being able to get the beds themselves.
Monday, June 1, 2015
His Visions Pt 1
For most of you reading this you are already know I along with my husband and 3 kids are missionaries in Haiti. I came here with a very clear vision of where God wanted me to work and what it was He wanted to see in this specific place. I could barely contain my excitement to know that this season of my life was going to be in Haiti. What I failed to realize was that during this time while we worked on His vision was how much pain, suffering and frustration I would also be apart of.
Yes I saw a vision and yes I see the start of it, but the longer the I am here the more I realize the longer it may take for it to unfold.
Tonight I would like to start by sharing one of those visions He gave me with others being also talked about in the next few days.
I remember very clearly sitting on the plane waiting to head back to Canada after a week in Haiti when the Lord showed me where and what it was that I was suppose to do. The first thing he showed me was kids in the community we visited going to school. Ok, easy enough we can help send these kids to school. We can proudly say we have 24 kids in the sponsorship program who now attend school.
What I didn't know about part of this plan was the parent/school aspect of it. Yes great these kids are enrolled in school but that does that mean they get to go to school everyday? No! I have never heard of more ridiculous reasons why some of our kids were not allowed to attend school. Some reasons are:
- You're hair is too long
- You're backpack is ripped
- You're shoes aren't in good enough shape
- You don't have ribbon for your hair
- You lost a school book
Those are just to name a few. Then we have the parent part of it. So many parents just do not get how important an education is. And it now has become our job to press into these parents are much as we do the kids the importance of the kids going to school. We are trying to make sure these parents understand how important it is that the kids go to school EVERYDAY, that they do their homework they are sent home, that they attend their regular tutoring class each week and what we really want them to know is how we have people who have never met their children and are investing in them because they believe that just like any other child in this world they should have the opportunity to learn. We want this to be an equal relationship. We want them to invest in their child's education just as equally and if not more than the organization and the people investing in their child.
What I also have been learning through this is that we cannot measure a child's success by their education level. We know that some of our children will probably not finish school because of their age and the level they are at now.
For example: We have a 14 year old who is in grade 1. This is his first year of attending school and if he does really well on his final exams he may pass the grade but if not he will return to grade 1 in the fall. He has improved significantly since he started the year even to the point that I saw his report card and quite possibly scared him when I expressed my excitement and joy of how proud of him I was. But he's the reality if decides he wants to graduates from school he will be 26 years old. If he goes this route we will be behind him along the way, but if he decides to go another route we also want him to know that we will help him in whatever we can.
He has a love for farming and it is quite possible that he may decide in time that he wants to make a career out of it. So yes right now we want to stress how important him attending school is and learning. Those math skills will come in handy. But there will come a time where maybe our focus with him is not him attending school but him learning to run a business in farming.
What I have learned from this is that yes it is so easy to put kids in school but God wants so much more from us than just that. He is asking us to go deeper and the more deeper I become the more I realize how much more of God I need.
Yes I saw a vision and yes I see the start of it, but the longer the I am here the more I realize the longer it may take for it to unfold.
Tonight I would like to start by sharing one of those visions He gave me with others being also talked about in the next few days.
I remember very clearly sitting on the plane waiting to head back to Canada after a week in Haiti when the Lord showed me where and what it was that I was suppose to do. The first thing he showed me was kids in the community we visited going to school. Ok, easy enough we can help send these kids to school. We can proudly say we have 24 kids in the sponsorship program who now attend school.
What I didn't know about part of this plan was the parent/school aspect of it. Yes great these kids are enrolled in school but that does that mean they get to go to school everyday? No! I have never heard of more ridiculous reasons why some of our kids were not allowed to attend school. Some reasons are:
- You're hair is too long
- You're backpack is ripped
- You're shoes aren't in good enough shape
- You don't have ribbon for your hair
- You lost a school book
Those are just to name a few. Then we have the parent part of it. So many parents just do not get how important an education is. And it now has become our job to press into these parents are much as we do the kids the importance of the kids going to school. We are trying to make sure these parents understand how important it is that the kids go to school EVERYDAY, that they do their homework they are sent home, that they attend their regular tutoring class each week and what we really want them to know is how we have people who have never met their children and are investing in them because they believe that just like any other child in this world they should have the opportunity to learn. We want this to be an equal relationship. We want them to invest in their child's education just as equally and if not more than the organization and the people investing in their child.
What I also have been learning through this is that we cannot measure a child's success by their education level. We know that some of our children will probably not finish school because of their age and the level they are at now.
For example: We have a 14 year old who is in grade 1. This is his first year of attending school and if he does really well on his final exams he may pass the grade but if not he will return to grade 1 in the fall. He has improved significantly since he started the year even to the point that I saw his report card and quite possibly scared him when I expressed my excitement and joy of how proud of him I was. But he's the reality if decides he wants to graduates from school he will be 26 years old. If he goes this route we will be behind him along the way, but if he decides to go another route we also want him to know that we will help him in whatever we can.
He has a love for farming and it is quite possible that he may decide in time that he wants to make a career out of it. So yes right now we want to stress how important him attending school is and learning. Those math skills will come in handy. But there will come a time where maybe our focus with him is not him attending school but him learning to run a business in farming.
What I have learned from this is that yes it is so easy to put kids in school but God wants so much more from us than just that. He is asking us to go deeper and the more deeper I become the more I realize how much more of God I need.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
I Have A Neighbor
This morning I was inspired to share with you about one of our neighbors. It's not his story since we don't know the depth of it, but it's more about what we see. I wanted to use the word "know" but again I don't know.
Let me introduce you to "S" He is somewhere between the age of 22-30, he'll give you a different number every time you ask him. He lives down our quiet little street in a house compound but his house is a wooden structure that was build by an organization. The house he use to live in was crumbled in the earthquake. He was the caretaker of the yard and he just hasn't left since then even though the owners no longer reside there. He speaks terrible English and refuses to speak Creole to us.
I remember when we first moved to Haiti, he would come over and try to make conversation with us in which we couldn't understand but he tried and that was all that matter. Then one day he yelled at one of my boys for not listening to their dad and I remember clear as day thinking how much I dislike this man for thinking he could speak to my child in that way.
As time went on we had our ups and our downs with him. One day we could be the best of friends, the next day he was being kicked out of our yard. Here in Haiti it's hard. Privacy doesn't exist. So here we are, a Canadian family wanting to just have family time and then there is S just wanting to have interaction with someone. There were days he would show up at 6am and be banging on our gate, for what reason? To make sure we were alive. These days we get till 8am before he comes over. You see S has no family around and for him to visit them he has to take a taptap but S doesn't have a job so he can't pay for the ride.
This leads me into our next struggle with S. S has no job. With no job he has no money to buy food. After time he would start asking us food and sometimes we would help him and sometimes we wouldn't. For us it is very frustrating because everyday we leave the gate we see him just sit outside his house and do nothing but just sit. For us we saw laziness. Why would we want to help someone if they don't want to help themselves? But here's the thing, is it laziness or is it that he has lost all hope of having a future where he doesn't have to live like he does now?
We hired him a few times to do odd things for us, one of them being our yard cleaner. We don't have a big yard but we have a yard that gets dirty fast and it drives me crazy. The first time he did it, you could him shine. He was so proud of his work and he made sure to show you around the whole outside to make sure it was okay. He even went as far as to yell as he was cleaning for me to keep looking outside just to make sure he was doing a good job.
This leaves me in confusion. We have a neighbor who is clearly hard-working and will do just about anything to help our family, even go buy me bananas in another town over. But why then isn't he out there showing others just hard working he can be?
Maybe one day I'll know his story and understand why, what I do know though is that I Have A Neighbor... I have a protector... and I have a friend and maybe right now that's all I need to know about him.
Let me introduce you to "S" He is somewhere between the age of 22-30, he'll give you a different number every time you ask him. He lives down our quiet little street in a house compound but his house is a wooden structure that was build by an organization. The house he use to live in was crumbled in the earthquake. He was the caretaker of the yard and he just hasn't left since then even though the owners no longer reside there. He speaks terrible English and refuses to speak Creole to us.
I remember when we first moved to Haiti, he would come over and try to make conversation with us in which we couldn't understand but he tried and that was all that matter. Then one day he yelled at one of my boys for not listening to their dad and I remember clear as day thinking how much I dislike this man for thinking he could speak to my child in that way.
As time went on we had our ups and our downs with him. One day we could be the best of friends, the next day he was being kicked out of our yard. Here in Haiti it's hard. Privacy doesn't exist. So here we are, a Canadian family wanting to just have family time and then there is S just wanting to have interaction with someone. There were days he would show up at 6am and be banging on our gate, for what reason? To make sure we were alive. These days we get till 8am before he comes over. You see S has no family around and for him to visit them he has to take a taptap but S doesn't have a job so he can't pay for the ride.
This leads me into our next struggle with S. S has no job. With no job he has no money to buy food. After time he would start asking us food and sometimes we would help him and sometimes we wouldn't. For us it is very frustrating because everyday we leave the gate we see him just sit outside his house and do nothing but just sit. For us we saw laziness. Why would we want to help someone if they don't want to help themselves? But here's the thing, is it laziness or is it that he has lost all hope of having a future where he doesn't have to live like he does now?
We hired him a few times to do odd things for us, one of them being our yard cleaner. We don't have a big yard but we have a yard that gets dirty fast and it drives me crazy. The first time he did it, you could him shine. He was so proud of his work and he made sure to show you around the whole outside to make sure it was okay. He even went as far as to yell as he was cleaning for me to keep looking outside just to make sure he was doing a good job.
This leaves me in confusion. We have a neighbor who is clearly hard-working and will do just about anything to help our family, even go buy me bananas in another town over. But why then isn't he out there showing others just hard working he can be?
Maybe one day I'll know his story and understand why, what I do know though is that I Have A Neighbor... I have a protector... and I have a friend and maybe right now that's all I need to know about him.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Head Held High!
Part of my job as a missionary is to learn and experiment and to make mistakes which then leads me back to learning. For those of you who are on my social media may wonder at times if I know what I'm doing and the reality is I don't most days.
Life in Haiti is the never the same. Like for the past few days all I felt I was seeing and hearing was pain and suffering. It sometimes makes you wonder if anything will change. Then you have days like today where you see a breakthrough and know God is at work.
Today I saw a mom in our community walk with so much pride that I couldn't help but take a minute and smile. As some may know we provide meals for our tutoring kids and other kids in the community twice a week. Our goal is to move this up to 4 times a week but with that comes extra work. Up until last week we have been cooking the food from our house and driving it over. This was taking up time from our staff members when they could be better using it in other ways. We also knew that employment in our community is very low. We have been praying and looking for a mom in our community who we could employ to help us with meals. We all agreed that Mrs.Charles would be a good choice. Mrs.Charles is a mom of 5 boys, 2 who are in our sponsorship program. She has a husband who is involved in the kids life and they both love the Lord. There kids are polite, well behaved and work hard in school. We felt from the first time meeting her that this family could really help change their community.
For the past two weeks Mrs.Charles has cooked our kids meals and has worked so hard to provide a good meal for them. Today before leaving for the day I saw a mom walk with her head held high almost knowing that today was the day she had value and instead of taking a hand out she got provide for her family.
For many people, they want to see change and see it now. But for me I know that change may take months or even years. If we want to help these families we have to start thinking long term. Yes, sometimes a short term solution may work for that moment and yes at times they are absolutely needed. But after that, we need to start thinking how we can help so when we are gone that we haven't left them where they started.
Life in Haiti is the never the same. Like for the past few days all I felt I was seeing and hearing was pain and suffering. It sometimes makes you wonder if anything will change. Then you have days like today where you see a breakthrough and know God is at work.
Today I saw a mom in our community walk with so much pride that I couldn't help but take a minute and smile. As some may know we provide meals for our tutoring kids and other kids in the community twice a week. Our goal is to move this up to 4 times a week but with that comes extra work. Up until last week we have been cooking the food from our house and driving it over. This was taking up time from our staff members when they could be better using it in other ways. We also knew that employment in our community is very low. We have been praying and looking for a mom in our community who we could employ to help us with meals. We all agreed that Mrs.Charles would be a good choice. Mrs.Charles is a mom of 5 boys, 2 who are in our sponsorship program. She has a husband who is involved in the kids life and they both love the Lord. There kids are polite, well behaved and work hard in school. We felt from the first time meeting her that this family could really help change their community.
For the past two weeks Mrs.Charles has cooked our kids meals and has worked so hard to provide a good meal for them. Today before leaving for the day I saw a mom walk with her head held high almost knowing that today was the day she had value and instead of taking a hand out she got provide for her family.
For many people, they want to see change and see it now. But for me I know that change may take months or even years. If we want to help these families we have to start thinking long term. Yes, sometimes a short term solution may work for that moment and yes at times they are absolutely needed. But after that, we need to start thinking how we can help so when we are gone that we haven't left them where they started.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. - Philippians 4:8
Last night I really just wanted to take some time and vent. I wanted to share about the pain and suffering I've been seeing and hearing these last few days. I wanted to just be mad and share it with you in hopes that maybe someone out there would feel anger too. But I had no power last night so I kept it to myself and said I'll do it tomorrow. And I was about to do it again until I read the verse above and it completely changed my attitude towards what I've been feeling.
Yes, I'll share those moments with you, but I hope to share them in a way that doesn't come across negative but in a way that I and you can thank God for.
On Tuesdays I tutor our younger kids in our sponsorship program. Our tutor class is right in the community where our kids live and as I stood in the class waiting for our students I could hear screaming and my only thought was "Someone is not a happy camper." As norm for our younger kids we need to get them so off I went on a walk until I came to an abrupt stop from witnessing a child being disciplined. My heart dropped as I realized where the screaming came from. Instantly my North American mind set kicked in and all I could do was walk away before I made a wrong choice. You see in Haiti, physical discipline is completely normal. Yes, I could have stopped it. But the thing is I wouldn't have just stopped it, I probably would have made it worse. I can't just show up and start telling these parents what is right and wrong. This was a teaching moment for me. I cannot educate these parents on other ways to discipline until I educate myself first on why they feel they need to do it that way. I am not going to accept it but I will not be that person who walks in and thinks I know all because I come from a different land. I took this as a teaching moment.
Tuesday is also a day for some of our older kids to get tutored. One of boys couldn't concentrate and was complaining of a headache until he just couldn't handle it anymore and tears flowed down his face. This was so unusual for him I thought. I rubbed his back, gave him some water and excused him from class. He just sat outside and it hit me. He's hungry! We asked what he ate that day... nothing. It was already 3pm. What about Monday. ..nothing. Last meal he ate was on Sunday. Here I have a 11 year old who hasn't ate in two days. What was I to do? Obviously, get him food. I just happened to have uncooked rice in my truck. So we filled a bowl and set him off home. I'm so thankful that these children are so honest with us. I'm thankful that in those moments God already has a plan set in place for when these times arrive.
Wednesday comes and off we go to our community. We are visiting one of the families when these two little girls show up. Their hair is so yellow and hard and broken. We meet Leina Jules and her sister.We see the malnutrition. We know that they need help. Mom and Dad are together and have three little girls but no jobs to provide for their family. Leina Jules should be in school, but she's not. We agreed that our organization would not take on any other sponsor children unless absolutely necessary. She is now a part of our program. We can't always help every need but we are so thankful that with the help of people like you, we can send these kids to school, feed them and help lift burdens from families.
Next we have one of our teenage sponsored girls with sores all over legs. It painful just looking at them. I could just sit and be upset and sad that she has to deal with that while I lay in a bed right now. Yes it upsets me but I also am thankful that I can look for help from other people here in Haiti and hopefully get rid of the sores and have her legs healed. Remember God is our healer, he can do this with or without me. I'm okay with either.
And last and the most painful one for me where I'm still left confused and honestly still trying to find something praiseworthy of it. Our boys Ricarduo and Richard. We received a call saying Mom has been in the hospital for the last few days and they are not sure whether she is going to live. The hospital has made her leave because she has no money and now she is laying in a church right now waiting to see if her time has come while her boys stay at home with their auntie and have no food to eat. Ricarduo who still needs to gain weight has no food to eat. My emotions are so involved that it scares me to become more involved. The pain of seeing them come and go is too hard to bear, but to know they are hungry is so much more. Is it wrong of me that I didn't rush to be the "rescuer"? I'm asking God why? What? When? Who? Where? I hear nothing. I need to know that the choices I make in this situation is the one God is telling me to make for myself, for our family, for those boys.
Yes, God is always praiseworthy. And I know in the end I'll understand. So even though I don't understand right now, I'll understand that God is good all the time.
Be in prayer for all these children and so many.
Last night I really just wanted to take some time and vent. I wanted to share about the pain and suffering I've been seeing and hearing these last few days. I wanted to just be mad and share it with you in hopes that maybe someone out there would feel anger too. But I had no power last night so I kept it to myself and said I'll do it tomorrow. And I was about to do it again until I read the verse above and it completely changed my attitude towards what I've been feeling.
Yes, I'll share those moments with you, but I hope to share them in a way that doesn't come across negative but in a way that I and you can thank God for.
On Tuesdays I tutor our younger kids in our sponsorship program. Our tutor class is right in the community where our kids live and as I stood in the class waiting for our students I could hear screaming and my only thought was "Someone is not a happy camper." As norm for our younger kids we need to get them so off I went on a walk until I came to an abrupt stop from witnessing a child being disciplined. My heart dropped as I realized where the screaming came from. Instantly my North American mind set kicked in and all I could do was walk away before I made a wrong choice. You see in Haiti, physical discipline is completely normal. Yes, I could have stopped it. But the thing is I wouldn't have just stopped it, I probably would have made it worse. I can't just show up and start telling these parents what is right and wrong. This was a teaching moment for me. I cannot educate these parents on other ways to discipline until I educate myself first on why they feel they need to do it that way. I am not going to accept it but I will not be that person who walks in and thinks I know all because I come from a different land. I took this as a teaching moment.
Tuesday is also a day for some of our older kids to get tutored. One of boys couldn't concentrate and was complaining of a headache until he just couldn't handle it anymore and tears flowed down his face. This was so unusual for him I thought. I rubbed his back, gave him some water and excused him from class. He just sat outside and it hit me. He's hungry! We asked what he ate that day... nothing. It was already 3pm. What about Monday. ..nothing. Last meal he ate was on Sunday. Here I have a 11 year old who hasn't ate in two days. What was I to do? Obviously, get him food. I just happened to have uncooked rice in my truck. So we filled a bowl and set him off home. I'm so thankful that these children are so honest with us. I'm thankful that in those moments God already has a plan set in place for when these times arrive.
Wednesday comes and off we go to our community. We are visiting one of the families when these two little girls show up. Their hair is so yellow and hard and broken. We meet Leina Jules and her sister.We see the malnutrition. We know that they need help. Mom and Dad are together and have three little girls but no jobs to provide for their family. Leina Jules should be in school, but she's not. We agreed that our organization would not take on any other sponsor children unless absolutely necessary. She is now a part of our program. We can't always help every need but we are so thankful that with the help of people like you, we can send these kids to school, feed them and help lift burdens from families.
Next we have one of our teenage sponsored girls with sores all over legs. It painful just looking at them. I could just sit and be upset and sad that she has to deal with that while I lay in a bed right now. Yes it upsets me but I also am thankful that I can look for help from other people here in Haiti and hopefully get rid of the sores and have her legs healed. Remember God is our healer, he can do this with or without me. I'm okay with either.
And last and the most painful one for me where I'm still left confused and honestly still trying to find something praiseworthy of it. Our boys Ricarduo and Richard. We received a call saying Mom has been in the hospital for the last few days and they are not sure whether she is going to live. The hospital has made her leave because she has no money and now she is laying in a church right now waiting to see if her time has come while her boys stay at home with their auntie and have no food to eat. Ricarduo who still needs to gain weight has no food to eat. My emotions are so involved that it scares me to become more involved. The pain of seeing them come and go is too hard to bear, but to know they are hungry is so much more. Is it wrong of me that I didn't rush to be the "rescuer"? I'm asking God why? What? When? Who? Where? I hear nothing. I need to know that the choices I make in this situation is the one God is telling me to make for myself, for our family, for those boys.
Yes, God is always praiseworthy. And I know in the end I'll understand. So even though I don't understand right now, I'll understand that God is good all the time.
Be in prayer for all these children and so many.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
In the Midst
I wish there was an easy way to start this post but I just keep deleting and retrying. I am not sure I can even get the words out clear enough to make you understand. Yesterday was a day of experiencing joy, anxiety, sadness and pain. Yet in all of it came comfort.
I believe for you to even try to understand what it was like yesterday I must be real and share even the parts you may not want to read, but for me it was a reality. It was not hidden from me, it was not hidden from kids and it shouldn't be hidden for you.
We started our day preparing to bring the boys we care for back home. We were so excited to know that Ricarduo is on the road to recovery and that we can hopefully help educate his mom on how to care for them to assure this won't happen again. Of course this will be a much longer process but it was a start. We had arranged for them to go home for one week and see how things go. We equipped her with things that the boys needed for the week in hopes that over the next week Ricarduo will gain more weight or atleast maintain his week. Our goal is for him not to lose any weight this next week.
Our first stop of the day was the clinic to have his weekly check in which of course was a success. The kid loves food which means he is gaining back the much needed weight he needs. Yahhhh, everyone is excited and now next stop is bringing them home.
It's pretty common here in Haiti to see police officers doing some sort of check stop. You really never know what they are looking for and to be completely honest sometimes they are just looking for an easy way to earn some side money. Today was our day for our check stop. I was thinking no problem, you aren't going to get me this time. Chris has his license and our truck has proper up to date license plates. Then came the question. Who's two little boys are these? Our translator explains that we are on our way back to drop the boys off to mom. Then comes the idea... the idea that we kidnapped the children. Wait? What? This is a joke right? Surely you don't think I am kidnapping children while I have my own three children with me with a chance of getting us all in trouble. But Jo-Anne your tattoo is showing which leads them to believe that you are not a good person, because anyone with a tattoo is not good. As this is going on the anxiety starts to kick in and all I know I can do at this point is ask for prayers. And in that moment I ask everyone on my Facebook to pray for us at that moment. It's moments like those where you know you have no control over the situation and the only one who can help is God. It's in the midst that that I know I must control my tongue and watch what comes out of my mouth.
You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19
As we wait to see what is going to happen we are sure that they are waiting for us to offer them money and let us go. Sorry, but not really, these children will not be used as pawns just so you can earn a few extra dollars. In my head, I say book 'em! I wish I could tell you I was joking but I am really not. I was preparing to see my husband and our translator go to jail because I knew if I was to pay them off I wouldn't have been any better than them for using the kids. We eventually are led to the police station and speak to the man in charge. All I hear is Creole Creole Creole, then out of no where he starts speaking the clearest English I have heard a Haitian speak. I wanted to cry in that moment to know that I directly had the opportunity to speak in my language about the situation. It was in that moment that God was at work. After some discussions and lessons learned even if I still question them now we were let go. We learned after leaving that the guy in charge is a Christian and was so clearly in the presence of the Lord to have such grace and understanding for what was happening.
On the road again we go. I can always tell when we are in Port Au Prince. We go through this busy section of the city where you never know what you are going to see. I like to look out at this part, see what people are selling, what people are wearing or just to see what they are doing in general. We see this group of people standing around this one area, not really doing anything, just standing. I look at the ground where two police are standing and I see a man laying on the ground and i think he looks so peaceful, while I am completely oblivious until I look more clearly and see blood streaming down the road from his head and knowing at the moment I just a dead body. At the moment, the only thought that came to my head was "I wonder if he knew Jesus?" And then it made me sad, to think that this young man was laying out in the open with everyone to see as they past by. It was like he was a nobody, but he is so far from a nobody, we are all so far from being a nobody.
And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18
Our day continues and we have finally have met with mom and drive her to as close as we can go to her house, which I might add is not close considering she still had a 30 minute walk up a mountain with the boys as there is no motos or vehicles that can go up there. We give all the stuff she needs, we hug and kiss the boys and tell them we will see them next and then we get in the vehicle to leave and all of a sudden my heart is broken. This wasn't suppose to happen, we knew this was going to happen a week prior. I was ready for this, I was excited for this, I wanted this... I was completely doing this on my own. It took me until just now as I write this and hold back the tears that I did not ask God to be a part of this day. I did not ask him to prepare my heart, I did not ask him to prepare my children who later sobbed that night, I did not ask him to prepare the little boy who watched us drive away and looked completely confused by the whole situation and had a lost look on his face. He brings me to the bible verse:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
I have to trust that in the midst of all these emotions that the Lord is with me. I have lean into Him in this times of confusion. I will never be able to understand this life in Haiti or this life in general and the experiences we have on my own. I must seek Him, seek in everything I do. I need to know that in the midst of everything that goes on no matter the situation that He is right beside me and I can call upon his name.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)